Mercedes driver who totaled Gov Pat McCrory's car after Super Bowl praised for raising state's spirits after Carolina Super Bowl loss.
Papa John's "cheap shitty pizza a disgrace to America," says Al-Jazerra TV responding to criticism from the pie company's spokesman Peyton Manning.
Donald J. Trump calls for MMA cage fighting to replace baseball as US's National Pastime. "It's as vulgar and ugly as I am," praised the former reality TV star.
Goodyear has offered Chris Christie $1 million for digital naming rights to the NJ governor's stomach. "Blimp them," said Christie.
Irate Papa John's exec Peyton Manning denies chain adds HGH to pizzas: "Total garbage. Everyone knows that stuff makes you nauseous."
A crowd supporting the Kings' Rajon Rondo was broken up by Sacramento police today. "Neither of 'em had their hearts in it," officer says.
In rare public statement Alcoholics Anonymous calls former USC coach Steve Sarkasian a "weasel and phony who wouldn't know a Step from a stoop;" narcissist is first person in U.S. history banned from AA meetings.
BREAKING: Trump bars delivery of all Middle Eastern food from NY's Trump Tower. "Today's falafel eater is tomorrow's terrorist," Trump said.
After calling liberals "concussion alarmists" Flat Earth Society withdraws speaking invite to ESPN's Danny Kanell. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," said FES spokesman.
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