Red Sox Release Papelbon, Sign Jim Lonborg * Closer and Dentist Will Switch Roles

Red Sox Release Papelbon, Sign Jim Lonborg

May 18, 2010

Closer and Dentist Will Switch Roles

Boston – In the wake of a disastrous ninth inning blown save against the Yankees, Boston GM Theo Epstein announced the release of closer Jonathan Papelbon and the signing of former Red Sox starter Jim Lonborg to be the struggling team's new closer.

“I’m positive I’m doing the right thing,” explained Epstein. “I always am.”

Epstein said that Lonborg, 68, a dentist living in Scituate, Massachusetts who last pitched in the majors in 1979, was fresh and ready to go. "Three decades is a good long time to rest up," Epstein added.

"When Theo told me Jonathan was willing to take over my dental practice," said Lonborg, "I put down my periodontal probe and headed for Fenway."

"Jonathan Papelbon is accustomed to causing people pain," said Epstein, "dentistry's a perfect fit for him."

In a brief interview before driving to Scituate, Papelbon said he was unsure whether he would specialize in root canals or tooth abstraction. "They're both fun," the former closer said.

<< Back

Respond to this article | Email this article to a friend |

Reader Responses

May 18, 2010 8:38 AM

Prognosticators purport perhaps Papelbon periodontal placement proves propitious

Elvis's Masters' classic: "In The Bunker"

Michael Phelps for The Clean Bong Water Foundation

In what some are saying could be a poignant end to a once promising second career, eTrueSports has learned that the Alaska Ass Clowns of the fledgling American Caucasian Basketball League have ended negotiations with Sarah Palin to become the team's new mascot Barky. "Our focus group said she'd scare children," explained an Ass Clowns' spokesman.

Sources close to Kobe Bryant have told eTrueSports the athlete/comedian will star in a remake of the 1997 TV movie "Mother Knows Best." Ironically, negotations with his own mother to play herself "have not gone well."

Liberty University has added ESPN basketball analyst Chris Broussard as a commencement speaker, eTrueSports has learned. "The world needs more black bigots," said a spokesman for the evangelical Christian school of higher learning.

Los Angeles Lakers' center Dwight Howard has been rushed to Children's Hospital where he was diagnosed with Early-Onset Megalomania. "This is a real wake-up call," Howard told eTrueSports. "I need to concentrate 100% on myself to get better."

TMZ is reporting that the Grizzlies' Zach Randolph touched the rim at 3:42 of the 3rd quarter in Tuesday's 88-84 victory over the Thunder.

“Karma’s a bitch," said a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society commenting on Tiger Woods' DQ-less loss at The Masters.

The case against the crowd outside Pauley Pavilion who demanded the return of fired basketball coach Ben Howland has been dropped by the LAPD. "Both of them are good kids," spokesman told eTrueSports. "They just made a dumb mistake."

The National Transportation Safety Board investigation into ex-UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland's offense as source of drowsiness blamed for a rash of campus pedestrian collisions has been suspended. "The Westwood nightmare is over," said an NTSB spokesman.

After selling the naming rights to their football building - now Geo Group Stadium - to a private prison company, Florida Atlantic University denied the "The Perps" (formerly "The Owls") would compete in black and white striped uniforms. "That would be tacky," explained FAU President Mary Jane Saunders.

Heard any good rumors?
Email the publisher!

	Saturday, May 25th, 2013
Home Video Archive Columns Gallery About Us Contact Links Press Room Widgets Merchandise
<< Back Red Sox Release Papelbon, Sign Jim Lonborg May 18, 2010 Closer and Dentist Will Switch Roles Boston – In the wake of a disastrous ninth inning blown save against the Yankees, Boston GM Theo Epstein announced the release of closer Jonathan Papelbon and the signing of former Red Sox starter Jim Lonborg to be the struggling team's new closer. “I’m positive I’m doing the right thing,” explained Epstein. “I always am.” Epstein said that Lonborg, 68, a dentist living in Scituate, Massachusetts who last pitched in the majors in 1979, was fresh and ready to go. "Three decades is a good long time to rest up," Epstein added. "When Theo told me Jonathan was willing to take over my dental practice," said Lonborg, "I put down my periodontal probe and headed for Fenway." "Jonathan Papelbon is accustomed to causing people pain," said Epstein, "dentistry's a perfect fit for him." In a brief interview before driving to Scituate, Papelbon said he was unsure whether he would specialize in root canals or tooth abstraction. "They're both fun," the former closer said. << Back Respond to this article \| Email this article to a friend \| Reader Responses May 18, 2010 8:38 AM Yo Prognosticators purport perhaps Papelbon periodontal placement proves propitious Elvis's Masters' classic: "In The Bunker" Michael Phelps for The Clean Bong Water Foundation In what some are saying could be a poignant end to a once promising second career, eTrueSports has learned that the Alaska Ass Clowns of the fledgling American Caucasian Basketball League have ended negotiations with Sarah Palin to become the team's new mascot Barky. "Our focus group said she'd scare children," explained an Ass Clowns' spokesman. Sources close to Kobe Bryant have told eTrueSports the athlete/comedian will star in a remake of the 1997 TV movie "Mother Knows Best." Ironically, negotations with his own mother to play herself "have not gone well." Liberty University has added ESPN basketball analyst Chris Broussard as a commencement speaker, eTrueSports has learned. "The world needs more black bigots," said a spokesman for the evangelical Christian school of higher learning. Los Angeles Lakers' center Dwight Howard has been rushed to Children's Hospital where he was diagnosed with Early-Onset Megalomania. "This is a real wake-up call," Howard told eTrueSports. "I need to concentrate 100% on myself to get better." TMZ is reporting that the Grizzlies' Zach Randolph touched the rim at 3:42 of the 3rd quarter in Tuesday's 88-84 victory over the Thunder. “Karma’s a bitch," said a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society commenting on Tiger Woods' DQ-less loss at The Masters. The case against the crowd outside Pauley Pavilion who demanded the return of fired basketball coach Ben Howland has been dropped by the LAPD. "Both of them are good kids," spokesman told eTrueSports. "They just made a dumb mistake." The National Transportation Safety Board investigation into ex-UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland's offense as source of drowsiness blamed for a rash of campus pedestrian collisions has been suspended. "The Westwood nightmare is over," said an NTSB spokesman. After selling the naming rights to their football building - now Geo Group Stadium - to a private prison company, Florida Atlantic University denied the "The Perps" (formerly "The Owls") would compete in black and white striped uniforms. "That would be tacky," explained FAU President Mary Jane Saunders. Heard any good rumors? Email the publisher! Most Popular Stories A-Rod Says "Sorry" With Full-Body, Pinstripe Tattoo Mets Owner to Marry - Knicks Owner! Travis Henry Rushes To Spitzer's Side Mariah Carey Turns Down Offer From Kansas City Royals Carmelo: Google's SportsApologies Widget Works Great! Read All the News!		Rare photo of golfer Bubba Watson thinking Drug scandal PR dream for A-Rod's new cereal FIFA logo could be controversial MLB's latest scandal: Pie? Cubs new logo a sure winner
Terms of Service \| ©2007-2013 eTrueSports.com \| Privacy Policy