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Red Sox Release Papelbon, Sign Jim Lonborg

May 18, 2010

Closer and Dentist Will Switch Roles

Boston – In the wake of a disastrous ninth inning blown save  against the Yankees, Boston GM Theo Epstein announced the release of closer Jonathan Papelbon and the signing of former Red Sox starter Jim Lonborg to be the struggling team's new closer.

“I’m positive I’m doing the right thing,” explained Epstein. “I always am.”
 
Epstein said that Lonborg, 68, a dentist living in Scituate, Massachusetts who last pitched in the majors in 1979, was fresh and ready to go. "Three decades is a good long time to rest up," Epstein added.

"When Theo told me Jonathan was willing to take over my dental practice," said Lonborg, "I put down my periodontal probe and headed for Fenway."

"Jonathan Papelbon is accustomed to causing people pain," said Epstein, "dentistry's a perfect fit for him."

In a brief interview before driving to Scituate, Papelbon said he was unsure whether he would specialize in root canals or tooth abstraction. "They're both fun," the former closer said.  
 

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Reader Responses
May 18, 2010 8:38 AM
Yo
Prognosticators purport perhaps Papelbon periodontal placement proves propitious
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