eTrueSports Logo Tuesday, April 28th, 2015
 
<< Back

Red Sox Release Papelbon, Sign Jim Lonborg

May 18, 2010

Closer and Dentist Will Switch Roles

Boston – In the wake of a disastrous ninth inning blown save  against the Yankees, Boston GM Theo Epstein announced the release of closer Jonathan Papelbon and the signing of former Red Sox starter Jim Lonborg to be the struggling team's new closer.

“I’m positive I’m doing the right thing,” explained Epstein. “I always am.”
 
Epstein said that Lonborg, 68, a dentist living in Scituate, Massachusetts who last pitched in the majors in 1979, was fresh and ready to go. "Three decades is a good long time to rest up," Epstein added.

"When Theo told me Jonathan was willing to take over my dental practice," said Lonborg, "I put down my periodontal probe and headed for Fenway."

"Jonathan Papelbon is accustomed to causing people pain," said Epstein, "dentistry's a perfect fit for him."

In a brief interview before driving to Scituate, Papelbon said he was unsure whether he would specialize in root canals or tooth abstraction. "They're both fun," the former closer said.  
 

<< Back

Reader Responses
May 18, 2010 8:38 AM
Yo
Prognosticators purport perhaps Papelbon periodontal placement proves propitious
  • In addition to stiffing a "underage" 12-year schoolboy out of $20k for completing best NCAA bracket, financially troubled ESPN announced that cappuccino prices in Bristol CT employee cafeteria will rise to $9.95. Company also strongly advises parents of bracket winner Sam Holtz to take away boy's allowance and internet access across all platforms.
  • Check your bed for horse heads? "A man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous," said the Knicks' James Dolan on being ranked by ESPN the worst NBA owner.
  • ESPN poll names James Dolan NBA's worst owner. "Karma's a bitch," observed former competitive golfer Tiger Woods.
  • Irate NCAA basketball fans crashed CBS Sports website Saturday night with thousands of e-mails calling for the firing of color commentator Len Elmore. "It's like being forced to have dinner with a grumpy uncle who hates every dish," said one message. "It makes you never want to eat again."
  • Basketball writer/analyst Seth Davis will become a full-time Burger King celebrity spokesperson when the NCAA tourney wraps. "Journalism is for saps," said Davis.
  • A.C. Neilson reports during Sunday's KU/Wichita St game CBS analyst Chris Webber was muted by 4.7 million fans, a network television record.
  • "This is quite a wakeup call," said Roger Clemens after agreeing to settle a defamation lawsuit his former trainer Brain McNamee filed in 2009. "I'm going to look very closely at the amount of lying I've been doing."
  • Mets withdraw offer to Donald Trump to be team's official mascot. "Some worrywart parents thought he'd scare young fans," says source.
  • Breaking: Lance Armstrong is set to star in Fox's new summer sitcom, "A Return To Gullible Island," and will sing the show's theme song, "A Three Hour Tour de France," eTrueSports has learned.
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!