eTrueSports Logo Tuesday, December 1st, 2015
<< Back

Red Sox Release Papelbon, Sign Jim Lonborg

May 18, 2010

Closer and Dentist Will Switch Roles

Boston – In the wake of a disastrous ninth inning blown save  against the Yankees, Boston GM Theo Epstein announced the release of closer Jonathan Papelbon and the signing of former Red Sox starter Jim Lonborg to be the struggling team's new closer.

“I’m positive I’m doing the right thing,” explained Epstein. “I always am.”
Epstein said that Lonborg, 68, a dentist living in Scituate, Massachusetts who last pitched in the majors in 1979, was fresh and ready to go. "Three decades is a good long time to rest up," Epstein added.

"When Theo told me Jonathan was willing to take over my dental practice," said Lonborg, "I put down my periodontal probe and headed for Fenway."

"Jonathan Papelbon is accustomed to causing people pain," said Epstein, "dentistry's a perfect fit for him."

In a brief interview before driving to Scituate, Papelbon said he was unsure whether he would specialize in root canals or tooth abstraction. "They're both fun," the former closer said.  

<< Back

Reader Responses
May 18, 2010 8:38 AM
Prognosticators purport perhaps Papelbon periodontal placement proves propitious
  • Boston hospitals swamped by distressed fans after Patriots loss to Broncos yesterday. “Most of them were suffering from entitlement issues,” said a Mass General ER doctor. “Not pretty.”
  • Desperate to revive his cratering Republican presidential campaign, Donald Trump announced he will fight the UFC's Ronda Rousey. "Luckily she's injured," said the newly moniker-ed 'The Orangutan.'
  • Trump calls on 2016 National Dog Show to ban "foreign" Afghan Hounds. "This is America," fading Republican candidate says.
  • "Follow the falafel," says Donald Trump in call for monitoring of all Muslim tailgaters. "A-rab terrorists can't resist the stuff."
  • Ben Carson's proof of liberal media bias: "When was last time you went into movie theatre and saw a newsreel showing cheering Arab tailgaters?"
  • NBA considering league-wide ban on all Kardashians. Soul-sucking family tied to brutal start for Houston Rockets; all-star James Harden linked to female gang member.
  • "I'm only a jerk when I'm losing," said the Clippers' Chris Paul responding to an NBA players' poll finding him the league's No. 1 entitled punk.
  • Trump calls on NBA Muslims to be monitored. "Giant darkies" could be used by terrorists to id vulnerable roofs in urban locations.
  • Kings' DeMarques Cousins demands trade to Clippers, wants to take whining to next level. "No one grouses better," Cousins said. "They never stop!"
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!