eTrueSports Logo Friday, August 1st, 2014
 
<< Back

Let's Go Trumps

Dec 8, 2011

Mogul Will Take Over The Mets, Bat Cleanup


NEW YORK - Aspiring Mets' owner Donald Trump has vast plans to make over the beleaguered team, eTrueSports has learned - plans that include the mogul batting cleanup and playing centerfield in a renamed ballpark (The Donald Stadium) overlooking a renamed roadway (Grand Donald Parkway) for a renamed team (Trumps).

 

Not everyone is thrilled. "His butt is too fat to play centerfield," groused the team's towering new reliever Jon Rauch.

"When I pitch, hitting's really important," added worried starting pitcher Oliver Perez.

 

The Donald Stadium will feature Trump d'oeil paintings, upscale concessions Donald's Dogs and Trumpy's Tacos, an exclusive salon, DT's Hair Weave Parlor, and Trump Spuds, a potato emporium.

 

In a related story, responding to a New York Times/CBS poll which found that 87% of Americans felt "strongly" or "very strongly" that he was "the biggest asshole" in the United States, Trump said, "They can take Trump Tower and cram it up their favorite orifice."

<< Back

Reader Responses
Dec 8, 2011 1:33 PM
Jelly
Kill the Trumpire!
"Onward, through the fog"
  • "Karma's a bitch and she's got a long memory," a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society told eTrueSports after learning that Tiger Woods finished in 69th place at The (British) Open.
  • Amazon Publishing announced it will release Jason R. Kidd's "Integrity in Life, Work & Athletics," with a forward by Skip Bayless, in time for the opening of the NBA 2014-15 season. "It's a quick read," said an Amazon spokesman.
  • In Dog Show news, Sarah Palin has called for the banning of Afghan Hounds from all U.S. competitions. "They're foreign," explained Palin.
  • Jason Kidd reportedly told the Nets he had been diagnosed with early-onset megalomania, and needed "to concentrate 100% on myself to get better and richer."
  • "A dream come true," a source close to the Cleveland Indians told eTrueSports about the media attention focused on the Washington Redskins offensive nickname.
  • Antiseptic ointment giant Bacitracin is set to name Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez a national spokesperson, eTrueSports has learned.
  • Caesar's Palace bookmakers have raised the over/under on the Sterling family sale of the Los Angeles Clippers to 99 years.
  • After discovering his NFL health care plan doesn't cover concussions, commissioner Roger Goodell announced he will no longer call Native Americans "Redskins" to their faces.
  • For a second consecutive year, TNT's Chris Webber received the coveted "Most Muted Award" from the American Basketball Fans Association. "It almost seemed pointless to vote," said an ABFA spokesman.
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!