eTrueSports Logo Friday, November 28th, 2014
 
<< Back

Clemens Asks Supreme Court For A "Mulligan"

Apr 16, 2012

DALLAS, TX -  "Johnny, I goofed up, " an apologetic Roger Clemens said he told U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts in a private weekend meeting where Clemens asked for a "mulligan" from the Supreme Court. 

"I told JR in Texas if a man is big enough to admit he's wrong, well, dang, you should be cuttin' that man some slack," explained Clemens.

"So I asked Johnny to talk to the rest of the Supreme Court folks and tell them to let me go. He said he'd think about it."

Moments later, a TV news producer interrupted the press conference to report that Justice Roberts had just issued a statement calling Clemens a "delusional fruitcake."

"That's kinda hurtful," Clemens commented.

"We're going to spend weeks and weeks defending Rog's good name in Supreme Court," said a "relieved" Rusty Hardin, Clemens' lawyer.

"I'm on retainer."

<< Back

Reader Responses
No responses for this article
  • SF Giants reliever Hunter Strickland will not be rehired as a mascot for the NBA's Atlanta Hawks, an off-season job the Georgia native has held for three years. "We're afraid he'll scare the younger fans,” a source told eTrueSports.
  • According to A.C. Neilsen, Fox analyst Harold Reynolds was muted 1,287,354 times during the sixth inning of World Series Game 2, a network television record.
  • Sources close to Condoleezza Rice deny that the incoming NFL Commissioner is pressuring Dan Snyder to change his team's name to the Washington Mushroom Clouds.
  • The American Birther Party has withdrawn an invitation to former Chicago Bear player and coach Mike Ditka to address their annual convention in Idaho. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," a Birther spokesman told eTrueSports.
  • In Dog Show news, Sarah Palin has called for the banning of Afghan Hounds from all U.S. competitions. "They're foreign," explained Palin.
  • "A dream come true," a source close to the Cleveland Indians told eTrueSports about the media attention focused on the Washington Redskins offensive nickname.
  • "Karma's a bitch and she's got a long memory," a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society told eTrueSports after learning that Tiger Woods failed to make the cut in the 2014 PGA Championship.
  • Amazon Publishing announced it will release Jason R. Kidd's "Integrity in Life, Work & Athletics," with a forward by Skip Bayless, in time for the opening of the NBA 2014-15 season. "It's a quick read," said an Amazon spokesman.
  • Jason Kidd reportedly told the Nets he had been diagnosed with early-onset megalomania, and needed "to concentrate 100% on myself to get better and richer."
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!