eTrueSports Logo Friday, March 6th, 2015
 
<< Back

BREAKING: Bulldorphins Found in Lance Armstrong's Blood

Oct 11, 2012

 

Hormone makes lying undetectable

Austin, TX - A new anti-doping blood test of Lance Armstrong has revealed elevated levels of Bulldorphin (BDO), a sophisticated hormone used by cyclists to disguise lying, according to the United States Anti-Doping Agency.

"Bulldorphins can help prevaricators defeat any lie detector test yet invented," said a spokesman for USADA.

Dr. Carlo Collodi of Malibu's Anabolix Institute, who is treating the beleaguered cyclist, said "Though Lance's elevated Bulldorphin readings for him are actually normal, we think it would be beneficial to Lance ... and the rest of the world ... if his BDO levels were knocked down to that of an average person.

"We're not certain the treatment will stop Mr. Armstrong's lying," explained Dr. Collodi, "but the good news it should keep his nose from growing."





<< Back

Reader Responses
No responses for this article
  • BREAKING: Mets' Daniel Murphy announces engagement to golfer Bubba Watson.
  • Mets' 2nd basemen Daniel Murphy's autobiography, "Ignorant Bigot: A Life Unexamined" being shopped to NY publishers eTrueSports has learned. "It's a quick read," said one editor who reviewed book proposal.
  • Breaking: According to sources Lance Armstrong is set to star in Fox's new summer sitcom, "A Return To Gullible Island," and will sing the show's theme song, "A Three Hour Tour de France."
  • After learning at least two NFL officials stole in-play game balls intended for charity, top PR crisis firm DBBO WideWorld has resigned the NFL account. "It's hopeless," said a DBBO spokesman.
  • Developing Story: Nation shocked that Ultimate Fighting is a drug-drenched brutal spectacle.
  • Ultimate Fighting in negotiations with PBS for children's show. "We think kids will love watching other kids kick one another in the face," said UFC president Dana White, "plus they'll learn about tattoos."
  • The American Delusional Narcissist Society is set to induct Alex Rodriguez and Donald Trump into its Hall of Fame, eTruesports has learned.
  • According to sources in Finland, Jameis Winston failed to qualify for the upcoming World Mobile Phone Throwing Championships in Savonlinna, FI.
  • Sarah Palin has called on the Westminster Kennel Club to ban Afghan Hounds from their 139th Annual Dog Show. "They're foreign," explained Palin.
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!