Ted Cruz Calls For Oil Drilling On U.S. Soccer Fields
Mar 18, 2015
Washington (eTrueSports) - After denouncing the World Cup as a foreign plot to infiltrate Americans' hearts and minds, Texas Senator and new Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced that he would immediately introduce legislation calling for oil drilling on all U.S. soccer fields, eTrueSports has learned.
"In this time of existential crisis for America oil drilling on soccer fields is a two-fer," Cruz reportedly said. "We strike the first blow in the battle to eradicate a crappy commie game from our beloved homeland. And we get lots more fossil fuel to burn."
A Cruz spokesman denied any knowledge of reports that oil giant BP was positioning drill rigs across the country. Ironically, Cruz literally owes his life to BP; his parents met after a BP oil spill.
"He's one seriously twisted cowboy," a longtime Cruz observer, who requested anonymity because he feared for his life, told eTrueSports.
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