eTrueSports Logo Friday, March 24th, 2017
 
<< Back

Ted Cruz Calls For Oil Drilling On U.S. Soccer Fields

Mar 18, 2015


 

Washington (eTrueSports) - After denouncing the World Cup as a foreign plot to infiltrate Americans' hearts and minds, Texas Senator and new Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced that he would immediately introduce legislation calling for oil drilling on all U.S. soccer fields, eTrueSports has learned.

"In this time of existential crisis for America oil drilling on soccer fields is a two-fer," Cruz reportedly said. "We strike the first blow in the battle to eradicate a crappy commie game from our beloved homeland. And we get lots more fossil fuel to burn."

A  Cruz spokesman denied any knowledge of reports that oil giant BP was positioning drill rigs across the country.  Ironically, Cruz literally owes his life to BP; his parents met after a BP oil spill.

"He's one seriously twisted cowboy," a longtime Cruz observer, who requested anonymity because he feared for his life, told eTrueSports.

 









 

<< Back

Reader Responses
No responses for this article
  • SITE REDESIGN IN PROGRESS: NEW STORIES CAN BE FOUND AT etruesports.net
  • Following Jerry Jones' comment that it was "absurd" to link football with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (C.T.E.) disease The Flat Earth Society has withdrawn an invitation to Cowboys owner to address their annual convention. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," said a Flat Earth spokesman.
  • Trump Razor Wire mogul's next venture sources tell eTrueSports. "If Donald's elected, best investment ever," says Trump insider.
  • Trump campaign pulls invite to Hall of Famer Goose Gossage to address Miami rally. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," says spokesman.
  • Paul O'Neill calls for hummus ban at Yankee Stadium. "Terrorists eat it," explained YES Network announcer and Trump supporter.
  • Citing opposition to re-branding state name, sources close to Trump say mogul abandons plan to buy Florida prior to Republican primary on Tuesday, March 15th.
  • Trump demands Knicks' rookie Porzingis produce birth certificate. "Kristaps? You call that an American name?"
  • "Who doesn't love the Indy 500?" said Donald Trump after being endorsed yesterday by NASCAR CEO Brian France.
  • Fast food chain Trumpy's Tacos files for bankruptcy. "Hispanics know nuthin about Mex food," says owner Donald Trump.
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!