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Article Archive

Bracketology's Dark Side: Kindergarten Betting Gone Wild
Mar 18th, 2015
TOLEDO, OH (eTrueSports) - Administrators at Hadley Lane Elementary School in Toledo reacted forcefully today after discovering that kindergarteners were "massively" involved in an NCAA men's basketball pool. According to sources, "thousands of bags of Skittles" are involved. Read more...
Mark Cuban Buys 1st Franchise in National Curling League
Feb 20th, 2015
Dallas, TX (eTrueSports) - Buoyed by the success of NBC Sports' "Curling Night In America," Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA Dallas Mavericks, announced he has purchased the first franchise in the newly formed National Curling League (NCL). Read more...
A-Rod's Apology Includes Dramatic Full Body Pinstripe Tat
Feb 18th, 2015
New York – Alex Rodriguez is apparently serious about his apology to the New York Yankees. What else to conclude when less than 24 hours after his public mea culpa, A-Rod unveiled a dramatic full body pinstripe tattoo in a lightly-attended press conference at a tat parlor in the Bronx. Read more...
A-Rod's New Nightmare: Cousin Yuri Writing Book
Feb 17th, 2015
New York (eTrueSports) - Can it get worse? With news that his drug dealer Anthony Bosch was just sentenced to four years in jail Alex Rodriguez was hit with another blow today when it was revealed that Yuri Sucart, his controversial, drug-injecting cousin, is shopping "Shot of Candor: My Life with A-Rod" to major publishers. Read more...
After Pebble Win, 'Breaded' Snedeker Added To Masters' Menu
Feb 16th, 2015
Carmel, CA (eTrueSports) - "I'm not sure if I'm more honored to be playing in the Masters or to have Breaded Snedeker, my favorite dish in the world, added to the Champion's Dinner menu," said Brandt Snedeker after winning the Pebble Beach Pro-Am tournament on Sunday. Read more...
Dolan Blames H.S. English Teacher for Illiterate E-Mail
Feb 10th, 2015
New York (eTrueSports) - Humiliated by a shockingly illiterate e-mail, beleaguered MSG Chairman James Dolan is threatening legal action against his Fairfield Prep English teacher, Dr. Dylan Healy. "Healy should have taught me how to write grammatically, not criticize me all the time," Dolan said. Read more...
Lance Armstrong Rushes To Brian Williams' Bedside
Feb 5th, 2015
New York (eTrueSports) - After learning that beleaguered NBC news anchor Brian Williams is reportedly refusing to leave his bed, Lance Armstrong announced he was flying to New York to counsel "the bravest man in America." Read more...
Easy-to-Follow Talking Points for Marshawn Lynch
Jan 30th, 2015
"I think it's fair to say that everyone defines rudeness a bit differently." Read more...
Lindsey Graham Calls for Boycotting of "Obama Bowl"
Jan 29th, 2015
Washington (eTrueSports) - Lindsey Graham, the South Carolina senator gearing up for a Republican presidential primary run, is calling for Americans to boycott the Super Bowl, scheduled for Sunday evening in prime time. Read more...
Relax Fans: Plump Trump in Training for Hot Dog Contest
Jan 27th, 2015
New York (eTrueSports) - Trump fans, relax. Panic buttons off. The Donald's recent dramatic weight gain, which has thousands of his fans deeply concerned about his health, is all part of the mogul's latest dazzling pr stunt: winning Nathan's Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest. So Trump is in training, consuming over 10,000 calories a day, primarily with hot dogs and Goldenberg peanut chews. His only exercise is chewing. Read more...
  • In addition to stiffing a "underage" 12-year schoolboy out of $20k for completing best NCAA bracket, financially troubled ESPN announced that cappuccino prices in Bristol CT employee cafeteria will rise to $9.95. Company also strongly advises parents of bracket winner Sam Holtz to take away boy's allowance and internet access across all platforms.
  • Check your bed for horse heads? "A man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous," said the Knicks' James Dolan on being ranked by ESPN the worst NBA owner.
  • ESPN poll names James Dolan NBA's worst owner. "Karma's a bitch," observed former competitive golfer Tiger Woods.
  • Irate NCAA basketball fans crashed CBS Sports website Saturday night with thousands of e-mails calling for the firing of color commentator Len Elmore. "It's like being forced to have dinner with a grumpy uncle who hates every dish," said one message. "It makes you never want to eat again."
  • Basketball writer/analyst Seth Davis will become a full-time Burger King celebrity spokesperson when the NCAA tourney wraps. "Journalism is for saps," said Davis.
  • A.C. Neilson reports during Sunday's KU/Wichita St game CBS analyst Chris Webber was muted by 4.7 million fans, a network television record.
  • "This is quite a wakeup call," said Roger Clemens after agreeing to settle a defamation lawsuit his former trainer Brain McNamee filed in 2009. "I'm going to look very closely at the amount of lying I've been doing."
  • Mets withdraw offer to Donald Trump to be team's official mascot. "Some worrywart parents thought he'd scare young fans," says source.
  • Breaking: Lance Armstrong is set to star in Fox's new summer sitcom, "A Return To Gullible Island," and will sing the show's theme song, "A Three Hour Tour de France," eTrueSports has learned.
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