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Article Archive

FCC To Ban Close-Ups of Coach K, Roy Williams
Mar 25th, 2015
Washington (eTrueSports) - Following a torrent of complaints from outraged parents the FCC is reportedly set to ban TV close-ups of basketball coaches Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski during game broadcasts. Read more...
Ted Cruz Calls For Oil Drilling On U.S. Soccer Fields
Mar 23rd, 2015
Washington (eTrueSports) - After denouncing the World Cup as a foreign plot to infiltrate Americans' hearts and minds, Texas Senator and new Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced that he would immediately introduce legislation calling for oil drilling on all U.S. soccer fields, eTrueSports has learned. Read more...
Bracketology's Dark Side: Kindergarten Betting Gone Wild
Mar 18th, 2015
TOLEDO, OH (eTrueSports) - Administrators at Hadley Lane Elementary School in Toledo reacted forcefully today after discovering that kindergarteners were "massively" involved in an NCAA men's basketball pool. According to sources, "thousands of bags of Skittles" are involved. Read more...
Mark Cuban Buys 1st Franchise in National Curling League
Feb 20th, 2015
Dallas, TX (eTrueSports) - Buoyed by the success of NBC Sports' "Curling Night In America," Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA Dallas Mavericks, announced he has purchased the first franchise in the newly formed National Curling League (NCL). Read more...
A-Rod's Apology Includes Dramatic Full Body Pinstripe Tat
Feb 18th, 2015
New York – Alex Rodriguez is apparently serious about his apology to the New York Yankees. What else to conclude when less than 24 hours after his public mea culpa, A-Rod unveiled a dramatic full body pinstripe tattoo in a lightly-attended press conference at a tat parlor in the Bronx. Read more...
A-Rod's New Nightmare: Cousin Yuri Writing Book
Feb 17th, 2015
New York (eTrueSports) - Can it get worse? With news that his drug dealer Anthony Bosch was just sentenced to four years in jail Alex Rodriguez was hit with another blow today when it was revealed that Yuri Sucart, his controversial, drug-injecting cousin, is shopping "Shot of Candor: My Life with A-Rod" to major publishers. Read more...
After Pebble Win, 'Breaded' Snedeker Added To Masters' Menu
Feb 16th, 2015
Carmel, CA (eTrueSports) - "I'm not sure if I'm more honored to be playing in the Masters or to have Breaded Snedeker, my favorite dish in the world, added to the Champion's Dinner menu," said Brandt Snedeker after winning the Pebble Beach Pro-Am tournament on Sunday. Read more...
Dolan Blames H.S. English Teacher for Illiterate E-Mail
Feb 10th, 2015
New York (eTrueSports) - Humiliated by a shockingly illiterate e-mail, beleaguered MSG Chairman James Dolan is threatening legal action against his Fairfield Prep English teacher, Dr. Dylan Healy. "Healy should have taught me how to write grammatically, not criticize me all the time," Dolan said. Read more...
Lance Armstrong Rushes To Brian Williams' Bedside
Feb 5th, 2015
New York (eTrueSports) - After learning that beleaguered NBC news anchor Brian Williams is reportedly refusing to leave his bed, Lance Armstrong announced he was flying to New York to counsel "the bravest man in America." Read more...
Easy-to-Follow Talking Points for Marshawn Lynch
Jan 30th, 2015
"I think it's fair to say that everyone defines rudeness a bit differently." Read more...
  • Breaking: Tiger Woods to re-enter sex clinic to improve scoring.
  • More bad news for Phil Mickelson: In addition to a burgeoning $2.7 million illegal gambling scandal, the PGA is investigating rumors that the golfer may be a registered Democrat. “We’ll get to the bottom of this,” said Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem in a terse statement to the press.
  • Leapfrogging Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong, Ted Cruz pulls ahead in Texas state poll for 2015 Delusional Narcissist of the Year award.
  • The Diablo Rojos of the Mexican Baseball League will sign Donald Trump as the team's official mascot. Move called counter-intuitive by some.
  • "I hate Commies and I hate borscht," said Carmelo Anthony after learning the Knicks drafted forward Kristaps Porzingis.
  • NFL reporter Andy Benoit has been named editor of Sports Illustrated's annual swimsuit issue. "Football's boring," said Benoit.
  • Befuddled Mets' owner Jeff Wilpon reportedly mistook former Mets' catcher Choo Choo Coleman for a Lionel train and tried to buy "him" for his vintage collection. "Choo Choo doesn't blow smoke?" Wilpon mumbled to a Mets' executive before having his internet privileges revoked. Again.
  • Martial arts organization UFC has pulled their invitation to Sean 'Diddy' Combs to speak at their annual leadership awards ceremony. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," said UFC president Dana White.
  • “Karma's a bitch, " said an American Buddhist Society spokesman after Tiger Woods shot 80 and 76 for a 16-over-par horrorshow at the U.S. Open.
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