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Oprah Shocker: Bulldorphins Found in Armstrong's Blood
Jan 19th, 2013
Austin, TX - BREAKING: According to Oprah Winfrey a previously unreleased blood test of Lance Armstrong by the United States Anti-Doping Agency found elevated levels of Bulldorphin (BDO), a sophisticated hormone used by cyclists to disguise lying. Read more...

Michelle Bachmann Calls For Invasion of American Somoa
Jan 18th, 2013
After labeling the Te'o/Tuiasosopo scandal a "national disgrace" Minnesota Teabag Republican Rep. Michelle Bachmann is calling for the invasion of America Samoa. Read more...

Goodell Shocker: NFL Will Go Two-Hand Touch in 2013
Dec 12th, 2012
NEW YORK - BREAKING NEWS: In response to new revelations about the health dangers of repeated blows to the head, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that beginning with the 2013 season the NFL will transition to a "two-hand touch" league, eTrueSports has learned. Read more...

David Stern Questions Gregg Popovich's Patriotism
Nov 30th, 2012
NEW YORK - "He's soft on foreigners," said NBA Commissioner Stern about San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich's decision to rest the Spurs' Tony Parker (France), Tim Duncan (Virgin Islands), and Manu Ginobili (Argentina) for Thursday night's game against the defending NBA champion Miami Heat. "Comrade Popovich forces American players to work while foreigners vacation," growled a visibly agitated Stern to a surprised press corps. Read more...

Manning Quits Broncos To Focus on Crappy Pizza
Nov 22nd, 2012
Denver - Super Bowl winner and 4-time NFL MVP Peyton Manning shocked professional football today by announcing his retirement from the Denver Broncos. "Papa John needs me," said a tearful Manning about the besieged discount pizza chain's multimillionaire founder, chairman and CEO John Schnatter Read more...

Jackson’s Demand For Paid Nap Time Killed Laker Deal
Nov 12th, 2012
Los Angeles - Sources close to the Lakers report team terminated negotiations with Phil Jackson when the Hall of Fame coach demanded daily, paid naps. "You can nap on your own damn time," owner Jerry Buss shouted , ending Jackson's comeback before it started. Read more...

OBAMA SHOCKS WORLD: Quits, Signs with Bulls
Nov 8th, 2012
WASHINGTON – "Being in the same room with Mitch McConnell ain't worth it, nothing is," said President Barack Obama moments after announcing he will immediately resign the Presidency to sign a non-guaranteed contract with his hometown Chicago Bulls. Read more...

Romney Campaign to Distribute Cheesy Putters in Wisconsin
Oct 24th, 2012
Sheboygan, WI - "This is one wedge you don't ever want to slice," joked presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, in announcing that his campaign would give every golfer in Wisconsin with a country club photo id the new Odyssey "2 Wheel" putter featuring an aged cheddar cheese wedge insert. Read more...

BREAKING: Bulldorphins Found in Lance Armstrong's Blood
Oct 11th, 2012
Hormone makes lying undetectable Austin, TX - A new anti-doping blood test of Lance Armstrong has revealed elevated levels of Bulldorphin (BDO), a sophisticated hormone used by cyclists to disguise lying, according to the United States Anti-Doping Agency. Read more...

America's Top Five All-Time Worst Choices
Oct 3rd, 2012
eTrueSports Exclusive: 5. Teaching Brett Favre to text 3. Dating Tiger Woods 2. Choosing Dr. Conrad Murray as your primary care physician Read more...

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Elvis's Masters' classic: "In The Bunker"

Michael Phelps for The Clean Bong Water Foundation

In what some are saying could be a poignant end to a once promising second career, eTrueSports has learned that the Alaska Ass Clowns of the fledgling American Caucasian Basketball League have ended negotiations with Sarah Palin to become the team's new mascot Barky. "Our focus group said she'd scare children," explained an Ass Clowns' spokesman.

Sources close to Kobe Bryant have told eTrueSports the athlete/comedian will star in a remake of the 1997 TV movie "Mother Knows Best." Ironically, negotations with his own mother to play herself "have not gone well."

Liberty University has added ESPN basketball analyst Chris Broussard as a commencement speaker, eTrueSports has learned. "The world needs more black bigots," said a spokesman for the evangelical Christian school of higher learning.

Los Angeles Lakers' center Dwight Howard has been rushed to Children's Hospital where he was diagnosed with Early-Onset Megalomania. "This is a real wake-up call," Howard told eTrueSports. "I need to concentrate 100% on myself to get better."

TMZ is reporting that the Grizzlies' Zach Randolph touched the rim at 3:42 of the 3rd quarter in Tuesday's 88-84 victory over the Thunder.

“Karma’s a bitch," said a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society commenting on Tiger Woods' DQ-less loss at The Masters.

The case against the crowd outside Pauley Pavilion who demanded the return of fired basketball coach Ben Howland has been dropped by the LAPD. "Both of them are good kids," spokesman told eTrueSports. "They just made a dumb mistake."

The National Transportation Safety Board investigation into ex-UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland's offense as source of drowsiness blamed for a rash of campus pedestrian collisions has been suspended. "The Westwood nightmare is over," said an NTSB spokesman.

After selling the naming rights to their football building - now Geo Group Stadium - to a private prison company, Florida Atlantic University denied the "The Perps" (formerly "The Owls") would compete in black and white striped uniforms. "That would be tacky," explained FAU President Mary Jane Saunders.

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