eTrueSports Logo Friday, August 22nd, 2014

Article Archive

Dick Cheney Calls For Oil Drilling On U.S. Soccer Fields
Jun 18th, 2014
Washington (eTrueSports) - After denouncing the World Cup as a foreign plot to infiltrate Americans' hearts and minds, Dick Cheney calls for oil drilling on all U.S. soccer fields. Read more...
Shocker: Heat Stars Up All Night Filming "Three Stooges"
Jun 13th, 2014
Miami (eTrueSports) - After their Game 5 Finals blowout loss to the Spurs, Miami Heat president Pat Riley criticized his three biggest stars for staying up all night shooting a remake of The Three Stooges Meet Hercules. Read more...
Sterling To Hire Eric Cantor As Official Spokesman
Jun 12th, 2014
Los Angeles (eTrueSports) - Clippers beleaguered owner Donald Sterling is set to name Republican Majority Leader Eric Cantor as his official spokesman, eTrueSports has learned. "He's a smarmy weasel but people like him," Sterling reportedly told friends. Read more...
Warning: eTrueSports Vacation Limits Farcicality
May 28th, 2014
Please do not text, e-mail, write or, god forbid, fax us anything when we're not here. We're on vacation. What's hard about that? Read more...
Mets To Hire Chris Christie As Parking Lot Cone Consultant
May 23rd, 2014
New York (eTrueSports) - With Chris Christie apparently days away from resigning the New Jersey governorship, the NY Mets and representatives of the disgraced politician are reportedly close to a deal to have Christie join the club as a "traffic cone consultant." Read more...
Little League Cancels Mitch Williams Citizenship Speech
May 19th, 2014
South Williamsport, PA - Little League Baseball has pulled their invite to TV analyst Mitch Williams to keynote speaker the organization's upcoming Citizenship Awards dinner, eTrueSports has learned. "Mitch Williams is a barely sentient lout," a spokesman said. Read more...
Sterling: Add "Caucasian Classic" To NBA All Star Weekend
May 16th, 2014
Los Angeles, CA (eTrueSports) - Embattled Clippers' owner Donald Sterling's proposal to add a second exhibition game, The Caucasian Classic, to the NBA All Star Weekend is being met with skepticism at NBA league headquarters, sources have told eTrueSports. Read more...
Pope Francis Urges Steve Kerr Not To Take Knicks' Job
May 12th, 2014
EDITOR'S NOTE: Two days after eTrueSports published this story Kerr spurned the Knicks to coach the Warriors in San Francisco. Coincidence? Who cares? eTrueSports is not about taking credit. A man has saved himself. Read more...
Mets Announce Bernie Madoff Bobblehead And Loyalty Night
May 9th, 2014
NEW YORK (eTrueSports) - Mets owner Jeff Wilpon announced today plans for a gala Bernie Madoff Bobblehead and Loyalty Night at Citi Field on June 25th marking the four year anniversary of Madoff's 150 year prison sentence. Read more...
NFL Denies Trump Claim Of Friendship With League Owners
May 6th, 2014
New York (eTrueSports) - An NFL spokesman denied potential Buffalo Bills' bidder Donald Trump's claim that the TV show host is friends with pro football team owners Jerry Jones, Bob Kraft, Woody Kraft and Kevin Ross. "Trump? Friends? Come on," the spokesman told reporters. Read more...
  • "Karma's a bitch and she's got a long memory," a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society told eTrueSports after learning that Tiger Woods finished in 69th place at The (British) Open.
  • Amazon Publishing announced it will release Jason R. Kidd's "Integrity in Life, Work & Athletics," with a forward by Skip Bayless, in time for the opening of the NBA 2014-15 season. "It's a quick read," said an Amazon spokesman.
  • In Dog Show news, Sarah Palin has called for the banning of Afghan Hounds from all U.S. competitions. "They're foreign," explained Palin.
  • Jason Kidd reportedly told the Nets he had been diagnosed with early-onset megalomania, and needed "to concentrate 100% on myself to get better and richer."
  • "A dream come true," a source close to the Cleveland Indians told eTrueSports about the media attention focused on the Washington Redskins offensive nickname.
  • Antiseptic ointment giant Bacitracin is set to name Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez a national spokesperson, eTrueSports has learned.
  • Caesar's Palace bookmakers have raised the over/under on the Sterling family sale of the Los Angeles Clippers to 99 years.
  • After discovering his NFL health care plan doesn't cover concussions, commissioner Roger Goodell announced he will no longer call Native Americans "Redskins" to their faces.
  • For a second consecutive year, TNT's Chris Webber received the coveted "Most Muted Award" from the American Basketball Fans Association. "It almost seemed pointless to vote," said an ABFA spokesman.
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