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Article Archive

Redskins To Join Wops, Chinks, Spics in New NFC Division
Jul 11th, 2014
New York (eTrueSports) - In a joint statement NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder announced today that three new franchises - the New Jersey Wops, Los Angeles Chinks and Arizona Spics would join the Redskins in a newly created NFL division, the NFC Slur. Read more...
American Tea Bagger Party Wants NHL Banned From U.S.
Jul 3rd, 2014
Mississippi (eTrueSports) - With the American Tea Bagger Party reportedly set to call for the dissolution of the "socialist" National Hockey League, eTrueSports has obtained a copy of a secret 10-point anti-NHL "talking points" memo distributed to T-Bag activists and Fox News employees. Read more...
Dick Cheney Calls For Oil Drilling On U.S. Soccer Fields
Jun 30th, 2014
Washington (eTrueSports) - After denouncing the World Cup as a foreign plot to infiltrate Americans' hearts and minds, Dick Cheney calls for oil drilling on all U.S. soccer fields. Read more...
Knicks Cancel Plans For Statue of LeBronerty
Jun 27th, 2014
NEW YORK (eTrueSports) - Sources close to the New York Knickerbockers report the team has cancelled plans to temporarily replace the Statue of Liberty with a large scale art installation titled "LeBronerty." The project was the brain child of Knicks president Phil Jackson, who was convinced that the 'Statue of LeBronerty' would be seen by LeBron as so "far out and cool" he'd decide to play for the Knicks. Read more...
Boston To Bring Up Pawtucket Red Sox
Jun 26th, 2014
Boston (eTrueSports) - Following Wednesday night's ugly 16-9 loss to the lowly Cubs, the Boston Red Sox long-in-place plans to replace the entire team with the club's minor league Pawtucket Red Sox may happen as soon as Friday, eTrueSports has learned. Read more...
LeBron James Signs with Manchester United
Jun 23rd, 2014
Manchester, England (eTrueSports) - Becoming the first trillion dollar athlete, free agent LeBron James announced today he had signed with Manchester United of the English Premier League. Read more...
eTrueSports Darkest Hour: I Did Not Steal Babe Ruth's Uni
Jun 18th, 2014
Five years ago on this day I was arrested and unjustly accused of a crime I did not commit. None of the reprehensible charges stuck and, thanks to a huge out-of-court settlement, I am learning to move past that dark time. Read more...
Shocker: Heat Stars Up All Night Filming "Three Stooges"
Jun 13th, 2014
Miami (eTrueSports) - After their Game 5 Finals blowout loss to the Spurs, Miami Heat president Pat Riley criticized his three biggest stars for staying up all night shooting a remake of The Three Stooges Meet Hercules. Read more...
Sterling To Hire Eric Cantor As Official Spokesman
Jun 12th, 2014
Los Angeles (eTrueSports) - Clippers beleaguered owner Donald Sterling is set to name Republican Majority Leader Eric Cantor as his official spokesman, eTrueSports has learned. "He's a smarmy weasel but people like him," Sterling reportedly told friends. Read more...
Warning: eTrueSports Vacation Limits Farcicality
May 28th, 2014
Please do not text, e-mail, write or, god forbid, fax us anything when we're not here. We're on vacation. What's hard about that? Read more...
  • Sources close to Condoleezza Rice deny that the incoming NFL Commissioner is pressuring Dan Snyder to change his team's name to the Washington Mushroom Clouds.
  • The American Birther Party has withdrawn an invitation to former Chicago Bear player and coach Mike Ditka to address their annual convention in Idaho. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," a Birther spokesman told eTrueSports.
  • In Dog Show news, Sarah Palin has called for the banning of Afghan Hounds from all U.S. competitions. "They're foreign," explained Palin.
  • "A dream come true," a source close to the Cleveland Indians told eTrueSports about the media attention focused on the Washington Redskins offensive nickname.
  • "Karma's a bitch and she's got a long memory," a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society told eTrueSports after learning that Tiger Woods failed to make the cut in the 2014 PGA Championship.
  • Amazon Publishing announced it will release Jason R. Kidd's "Integrity in Life, Work & Athletics," with a forward by Skip Bayless, in time for the opening of the NBA 2014-15 season. "It's a quick read," said an Amazon spokesman.
  • Jason Kidd reportedly told the Nets he had been diagnosed with early-onset megalomania, and needed "to concentrate 100% on myself to get better and richer."
  • Antiseptic ointment giant Bacitracin is set to name Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez a national spokesperson, eTrueSports has learned.
  • After discovering his NFL health care plan doesn't cover concussions, commissioner Roger Goodell announced he will no longer call Native Americans "Redskins" to their faces.
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