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The Chris Simmons "Inner-View": Jose Canseco

Apr 8, 2008 10:33 AM  | Chris Simmons

     Man, I’m disappointed. I grew up on “60 Minutes” and “Nightline”, relied on these shows to get to the heart of any issues they tackled, and especially when newsmakers were interviewed, I just knew they were gonna get grilled. But after that bullshit Clemens interview on “60 Minutes” and Jose Canseco’s on “Nightline”, I knew I had to go to work. If I ever had a chance to find out what I really wanted to find out, I had to do my own “Inner-View”. 
 
     Clemens ain’t talking. Finally, Roger’s being smart. Luckily for me, though, Jose has never been and never will be confused for a Mensa member. 
 
CHRIS SIMMONS: What’s up, Jose?
 
JOSE CANSECO: Chris! What’s up, bro! Thanks for the pub for my new book, VINDICATED. It’s shooting up the charts, and—
 
CS: Slow your roll, Jose. I’m not asking you “what’s up” like we boys and whatnot. Let me clarify for your dumb ass. What’s up with you?
 
JC: What you talking about?
 
CS: Why the second book? Ain’t it enough, Jose, that you threw all those ballplayers, your brothers, under the bus with that first book? For that matter, why the first book!
 
JC: As you and the world now know, JUICED was the tip of the iceberg, bro! And VINDICATED, that’s like, the piece of the iceberg right underneath that first piece. And that’s why I’m working on the third book right now; there’s a lot more iceberg to get to, bro!
 
CS: Stop talking about books! Like your over-swollen ass even cracked open a book before you “wrote” one. Seriously, the only reason you came out with this book was because you didn’t make money off the first one, you broke, IRS-owing, no back-alimony paying, shrunken-gonad mo-fo!
 
JC: Hey, bro...I’m rockin’ grapefruits down there!
 
CS: Wow, you’re one for four. Even your dumb ass gotta know that’s not a great batting average for your life.
JC: What the hell is this, bro? Pick on Jose Canseco Day? I don’t need this shit...
 
CS: Of course you do, you male attention ho! Sit back down. I got some real questions for your ass. Question One: What’s the bug up your ass about A-Rod?
 
JC: No bug, bro. I’m all about the integrity of the game these days, Chris. And personal truth. Oprah taught me that.
 
CS: Oprah? When did your pock-marked ass ever meet Oprah?
 
JC: Um, I never said I met her. I just watch her a lot on TV. I, uh, spend a lot of time at home these days. But, I transgress. Back to A-Rod. He ain’t who he says he is.
 
CS: That’s “digress”, you bestselling author, you. As for your mad-on for A-Rod...who cares? This is baseball. You think you were fooling us as we watched your dumb ass blow up from the juice? You think we didn’t notice McGwire and Sosa when they blew up back in the day? We just didn’t care. They were entertaining the hell out of us. They shook us out of our boredom with all those dingers, dude. But Jose, here’s the bitch of it from our perspective:  They smiled at us. They were making history and having fun. In short, we LIKED them. We HATED you.
 
JC: Um...what are you trying to say, bro?
 
CS: There’s that razor-sharp intelligence again. Back to this thing with A-Rod. You gotta make me understand why you keep dropping his name when all you have on the guy is that you allegedly introduced him to some dude, whose name you won’t really reveal, who may or may not be a steroids dealer. 
 
JC: All in time, bro, all in time...
 
CS: Damn, you really thick! You don’t have anything on A-Rod! You throwing his name out there just like you did with all them other dudes in the first book, hoping your ass gets lucky just like you did with them other dudes. You’re banking this new book on the hope that there’s pictures out there of A-Rod with a needle jabbed in his ass.  Now, it could come out down the line that A-Rod may be on the juice, or it could be that dude is really just naturally swoll like that. Either way, Jose, guess what? We as baseball fans ain’t gonna care what A-Rod did or didn’t do to get big and hit all those homers. Why? We. LIKE. Him.  Or at least, we like him way more than we’ll ever like Barry Bonds. Oh, and there’s just one more thing...We. HATE. You.
 
JC: Yeah, bro? Then why did you track me down for this here “Inner-View”, bro? Just to make fun of me, huh bro?
 
CS: Jose, I take back what I said about your being thick.  Let me let you get back to your literary pursuits.  Have a good one!

<< BackReader Responses
Apr 9, 2008 3:29 AM
lucid eye
Apparently everybody that works - and I use that term loosely - at eUnTrueSports feels the need to pound on poor Jose. I hope he finds one of you and squeezes your head like a grape.
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