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  • Boston hospitals swamped by distressed fans after Patriots loss to Broncos yesterday. “Most of them were suffering from entitlement issues,” said a Mass General ER doctor. “Not pretty.”
  • Desperate to revive his cratering Republican presidential campaign, Donald Trump announced he will fight the UFC's Ronda Rousey. "Luckily she's injured," said the newly moniker-ed 'The Orangutan.'
  • Trump calls on 2016 National Dog Show to ban "foreign" Afghan Hounds. "This is America," fading Republican candidate says.
  • "Follow the falafel," says Donald Trump in call for monitoring of all Muslim tailgaters. "A-rab terrorists can't resist the stuff."
  • Ben Carson's proof of liberal media bias: "When was last time you went into movie theatre and saw a newsreel showing cheering Arab tailgaters?"
  • NBA considering league-wide ban on all Kardashians. Soul-sucking family tied to brutal start for Houston Rockets; all-star James Harden linked to female gang member.
  • "I'm only a jerk when I'm losing," said the Clippers' Chris Paul responding to an NBA players' poll finding him the league's No. 1 entitled punk.
  • Trump calls on NBA Muslims to be monitored. "Giant darkies" could be used by terrorists to id vulnerable roofs in urban locations.
  • Kings' DeMarques Cousins demands trade to Clippers, wants to take whining to next level. "No one grouses better," Cousins said. "They never stop!"
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