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  • ESPN poll names James Dolan NBA's worst owner. "Karma's a bitch," observed former competitive golfer Tiger Woods.
  • In addition to stiffing a "underage" 12-year schoolboy out of $20k for completing best NCAA bracket, financially troubled ESPN announced that cappuccino prices in Bristol CT employee cafeteria will rise to $9.95. Company also strongly advises parents of bracket winner Sam Holtz to take away boy's allowance and internet access across all platforms.
  • Check your bed for horse heads? "A man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous," said the Knicks' James Dolan on being ranked by ESPN the worst NBA owner.
  • Breaking: Lance Armstrong is set to star in Fox's new summer sitcom, "A Return To Gullible Island," and will sing the show's theme song, "A Three Hour Tour de France," eTrueSports has learned.
  • "This is quite a wakeup call," said Roger Clemens after agreeing to settle a defamation lawsuit his former trainer Brain McNamee filed in 2009. "I'm going to look very closely at the amount of lying I've been doing."
  • Irate NCAA basketball fans crashed CBS Sports website Saturday night with thousands of e-mails calling for the firing of color commentator Len Elmore. "It's like being forced to have dinner with a grumpy uncle who hates every dish," said one message. "It makes you never want to eat again."
  • Mets withdraw offer to Donald Trump to be team's official mascot. "Some worrywart parents thought he'd scare young fans," says source.
  • Developing Story: Nation shocked that Ultimate Fighting is a drug-drenched brutal spectacle.
  • Ultimate Fighting in negotiations with PBS for children's show. "We think kids will love watching other kids kick one another in the face," said UFC president Dana White, "plus they'll learn about tattoos."
  • Heard any good rumors?
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