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  • Donald J. Trump calls for MMA cage fighting to replace baseball as US's National Pastime. "It's as vulgar and ugly as I am," praised the former reality TV star.
  • Papa John's "cheap shitty pizza a disgrace to America," says Al-Jazerra TV responding to criticism from the pie company's spokesman Peyton Manning.
  • Goodyear has offered Chris Christie $1 million for digital naming rights to the NJ governor's stomach. "Blimp them," said Christie.
  • Irate Papa John's exec Peyton Manning denies chain adds HGH to pizzas: "Total garbage. Everyone knows that stuff makes you nauseous."
  • A crowd supporting the Kings' Rajon Rondo was broken up by Sacramento police today. "Neither of 'em had their hearts in it," officer says.
  • In rare public statement Alcoholics Anonymous calls former USC coach Steve Sarkasian a "weasel and phony who wouldn't know a Step from a stoop;" narcissist is first person in U.S. history banned from AA meetings.
  • BREAKING: Trump bars delivery of all Middle Eastern food from NY's Trump Tower. "Today's falafel eater is tomorrow's terrorist," Trump said.
  • After calling liberals "concussion alarmists" Flat Earth Society withdraws speaking invite to ESPN's Danny Kanell. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," said FES spokesman.
  • Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia clarifies recent remarks: "Ok for negroes" to attend top schools if they can run 100 yard dash in under 11 seconds.
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